Charming the Pants off the Pashahads
by donutsweeper
Summary: The team gets into hot water off world when Sheppard accidentally insults a village chieftain's daughter. Can their new teammate, Captain Jack Harkness, get them out of it? Crossover with Torchwood. Spoilers for SGA through Critical Mass, TW S1, DW S1


**Title:** Charming the Pants off the Pashahads  
**Author's Note:** This story has the character 'Captain Jack Harkness' from "Torchwood" meeting up with the people of "Stargate: Atlantis." It takes place an unspecified time after Torchwood's first season, and almost immediately after Stargate: Atlantis's episode "Critical Mass" (2x13). You may have also seen Jack in first and third season episodes "Doctor Who," and there may be minor spoilers for those here as well.

* * *

"Keep running!" Colonel Sheppard yelled as they crashed through the underbrush, running full tilt. 

"But which way?" McKay whined. That wasn't unusual. Rodney hated running of any kind, especially the frantic 'running for your life' variety.

"Away from that!!" Sheppard gestured vaguely at the irate villagers off in the distance who chasing them and hurling spears and arrows in their general direction.

Captain Jack Harkness just laughed. "Out of range is always good!"

"But what about the Stargate? Wouldn't it make more sense to run _towards_ it instead of away from?" McKay pointed out.

"Well, Rodney, if you really want to go confront the nice people trying to kill us, be my guest. I'd rather hope those mountains up ahead have enough places where we can hide until Atlantis sends us some help when we don't check in tomorrow." He called into his radio, "Teyla, find any good hiding spots yet?" He could barely make out Teyla up ahead on point, but he knew that McKay, who was a little further ahead, was keeping her in sight so he wasn't concerned.

"No, Colonel, I'm afraid not."

"Damn it!" Sheppard stumbled slightly. He had an arm slung over Harkness's shoulder for balance but was still a little unsteady on his feet after having taken a blow to the head. He felt the arm supporting him around his waist tighten slightly.

"You okay?" Jack asked quietly, his breath ghosting against Sheppard's neck. When there was no response other than a half-hearted grunt he added, "Do me a favor?"

"Depends on the favor."

"Next time you have the desire to make a comment about how some village chieftain's daughter resembles the local camel-like creature-thing, make sure no one overhears you?"

"I just wanted to make sure you got your exercise today, wouldn't want you to get fat now would we? And, besides, you did say you wanted your first mission as an official part of our team to be a memorable one!" Sheppard let go for a second so the other man could turn around and fire off some rounds in the direction of the villagers pursing them.

Jack quickly grabbed Sheppard again and increased their pace. "They're still gaining on us. We'd better find some cover soon." He eyed the other man carefully. "Your head's bleeding again. We really need to stop soon to get a look at that. Blood red is not your color."

"I thought it highlighted my eyes?" Sheppard joked, trying to rub some of the blood off his face with his sleeve.

"Flirting, Colonel? Just what sort of man do you..." Jack broke off, having heard something off to their left. "Incoming!" he yelled, practically throwing the other man to the ground. A barrage of arrows flew at them and rained down around them.

"Ronon?" Sheppard called into his radio. "How are those charges coming?" They had run past a small grove of large trees a few minutes ago and Jack had suggested rigging a explosion to blow them when the villagers ran past, thinking that the flying debris would create enough havoc to make good their escape.

"Almost time." Ronon responded. "Another 30 seconds."

"Ten-Four. Catch up with us as soon as you can." Sheppard started to get to his feet, but swayed alarmingly.

"If you wanted me to hold you, all you had to do was ask." Jack chided, slipping his arm around the Colonel's waist and ignoring the other man's snort of laughter. They hadn't gotten very far when there was the reassuring sound of C4 exploding in the distance. "Well, that's that. Hopefully. It was fun while it lasted though."

"You almost sound disappointed."

"You never feel more alive than when you're being chased!" Harkness declared with mock seriousness. "Of course, I prefer the chasing to be romantic in nature."

"Of course," Sheppard replied solemnly. Catching some movement at the tree line he lifted his P-90 just as there was a horrible thwunking noise and Jack stumbled into him, nearly knocking them both over before he sank to the ground. Without thinking Sheppard opened fire, even while pulling the fallen man behind a nearby tree stump for cover. Soon, Ronon was there and firing into the trees as well. When no one emerged, and no other weapons appeared, they halted their fire to take a look at their fallen teammate.

For a second, neither of them said anything. They just stared at the long spear embedded in the right side of Jack's chest. His eyes were unfocused and far too bright. "It's okay. It'll be okay," he gasped, "pull it out." His hands were covered in blood as he weakly pawed at the spear. "Please?"

"Jack!" Sheppard knelt down next to the Captain. He could see that Jack was terribly pale and already having trouble staying conscious. "Damn it!!" Reaching over to try to take his pulse he was surprised when Jack grabbed his shirt with a firm grip.

"Get it out," he pleaded again.

Ronon kept looking behind them. "We can't stay here!"

Carson had always told them that removing an impaled object like a knife or arrow or whatever would do more harm than good. But the spear was too big, there was no way to anchor it so it wouldn't do more damage when they moved him, and they had no choice but to move him. "Hold him steady, Ronon." Sheppard waited until Ronon had a firm grip on Jack. "Ready?" he asked.

Jack nodded, closing his eyes. "Jus' do it."

And with a sickening cracking sound, and a cry of pain, the spear was pulled out. John quickly put a pressure bandage over the wound, securing it as best he could, and then pulled Jack into a seated position to make it easier for Ronon to sling him over his shoulder.

"Teyla?" Sheppard called into his radio as they took off, continuing in their original direction. "We've lost the villagers for now, but Harkness is hurt. What have you got for us?"

"I have located a cave that we should be able to use. Doctor McKay is on his way to lead you there. How is Captain Harkness?"

"Not good," he looked ahead at Ronon. It was impossible to tell if the body the Satedan was carrying was alive or dead. "Sheppard out." He stumbled slightly, still dizzy from the earlier blow to the head.

Rodney appeared suddenly, almost as if magically, from a break in the brush and bramble. "This way!" He hissed at them, his eyes going wide when he saw Ronon carrying Jack. He glanced at the spear, still in Sheppard's hand then back at the fallen man. "You pulled it out?" He sounded horrified.

"Well, we couldn't leave it in!" Sheppard stumbled again and grabbed at Rodney with his free hand.

Rodney, probably realizing Sheppard needed some support, reached out and grasped an elbow before guiding him down the nearly non-existent path to the cave Teyla found. Neither of them could stop themselves from staring up ahead at Ronon, and at the very large, very dark stain that had spread over most of his back. "Sheppard?" McKay called, worriedly. "Colonel? I'm sure it's not as bad as you think."

"I had to rip this spear out of his chest, McKay." Sheppard wearily replied, waving the spear in McKay's face and showing the blood that still clung to the spear's point. "How good could it be?"

McKay opened his mouth as if he was going to speak, but then shut it again. He gave a little shrug. "Remember, Carson's worked miracles before. Maybe, well, look we're here. Through there," he gestured to a split in the rock. "One nearly invisible cave, just like you ordered."

Teyla was inside, helping Ronon ease Jack off his back and down onto the cave floor. The man was still alive, but barely. He was horribly pale with a sheen of sweat over his face. Even with the pressure bandage on the wound there was blood, so much blood, everywhere.

"We need to cover our tracks, Sheppard." Ronon warned, "he must'a dripped a lot of blood on the trail."

"Go." Sheppard said as Rodney helped him over to the Captain. "McKay, go with him."

"But..." Rodney started to protest.

"It's either hide our trail or act like a medic." Sheppard replied, gesturing at Teyla who was already getting out the medical supplies.

"Trail it is." McKay said quickly, practically flying out the cave entrance behind Ronon.

Sheppard knelt on the cold stone floor. "Jack?" He cut the pressure bandage and the shirt off to get a better look at the wound. It was horrific. Blood oozed between the broken ribs that poked out in various directions. Each breath sounded more labored and noticeably weaker. There was no doubt that this was a fatal injury without immediate access to the Atlantis infirmary. Sheppard clamped both hands down against Jack's chest, trying to stem the flow of blood. "Jack?" he called again.

This time the Captain's eyes fluttered in response. "Shep'rd?"

"I'm here, Jack. Right here. Hold still. Teyla and I are going to take care of you."

"We shall do our best." Teyla said quietly, but she kept her face down when Jack turned to look at her. She knew, as well as Harkness himself probably did, that there wasn't very much they would be able to do to help him.

"Some'in I should've tol' you," Jack slurred, "too late now."

"You can tell me when we get you back to Atlantis." Sheppard replied. "Now be quiet and conserve your strength."

The Captain shuddered under Sheppard's hands. "Don' leave me here," his eyes were startlingly blue and clear as he pleaded, "take my body with you."

"Don't start talking like that. You fell into another galaxy without getting so much of a scratch, you're not going to die here." He applied one pressure bandage after another, trying to stop the flow of blood.

"Promise..." Jack Harkness took one last rasping breath before his head lolled to the side.

Teyla reached over to take a pulse. "He is gone."

Sheppard leaned back and sank against the wall. "No, this can't, he can't." He slammed his hand against the wall in frustration. "Damn it!"

"Colonel Sheppard?" Teyla walked over to touch his shoulder. "Let me look at your wound."

He was staring at his bloodstained hands and didn't seem to even realize she'd spoken.

"Your head?" Teyla repeated. "Colonel? John? I need to treat it." She leaned forward to clean the dried blood off his face and then began to gently work on the cut itself. "There is some swelling here, you may have a concussion" She wrapped a small bandage around his forehead. "I saw some tanatha berries just outside. They can be made into a tea that will help with your dizziness." She hesitated, looking at him as if asking permission to go. With a wave of his hand she slipped out of the cave.

Sheppard's gaze swept over Jack. "God, look at you. I don't think you've been quiet this long since I first met you. And you certainly knew how to make a first impression, didn't you? There we were innocently looking those MALP readings..." He drifted off, lost in the memories of that day.

* * *

The name 'Klortaria' supposedly translated as "Time's Stolen Land" but the telemetry readings the MALP sent back made it look more like "Time's Garbage Dump." There were piles and piles of... stuff, in various levels of technology and advancement, strewn everywhere. 

"Is that a Messerschmitt?" Sheppard called out, excitedly pointing at a twisted heap of metal. "And look, a Spitfire. I always wanted to fly one of those. How the hell did World War II era airplanes from Earth get to the Pegasus Galaxy?" The MALP had just begun to pan when there was suddenly movement from the sky. "Something's incoming," he warned.

"If it's the Wraith prepare to..." but Elizabeth didn't finish speaking as the speck in the sky came crashing down to the planet's surface. It became obvious it wasn't a Wraith dart. She stared at it for a second before finally admitting what they could all easily see, "It's an SUV."

"Definitely from Earth," Rodney added. "Pretty contemporary too. Not from America or Canada though, the license plate is all wrong for that." The SUV had crashed a few yards from the MALP, seemingly intact.

Sheppard could barely contain his excitement, practically bouncing in place. "Permission to take a team through?" he asked, eagerly.

"Permission granted; be careful!"

Less than thirty minutes later the Colonel led his team through the Stargate and onto the surface of Klortaria. Sheppard signaled Rodney to stay back as he and Ronon slowly approached the SUV from either side and Teyla guarded their flank. Banging and cursing could be heard coming from inside the car.

"Sounds human," John commented quietly.

"Sounds angry," Ronon hissed back.

Suddenly the door on the right side shot off its hinges and crashed into the sand a few feet away. They immediately froze in place, drawing the target into their sights.

"I'm not armed." A voice with an American accent called out from the SUV. "Well, I've got a Webley, but it's holstered and probably wouldn't do much against your P-90s anyway. Besides, I've already got a hell of a headache from the crash landing; I don't need bullet wounds as well."

Sheppard waited until Ronon was covering him before approaching the opening in the SUV. He wasn't sure what he had expected, but what he found certainly wasn't it.

The man was sitting with both hands on the steering wheel, looking completely relaxed, as if falling out of the sky was something that happened to him on a regular basis. "The stupid airbags didn't even deploy. Think I can get my money back?" He looked at them briefly, as if waiting for one of them to speak. When they didn't he peered up at the sky. "Stars are all wrong for me to be in the Milky Way. Judging by your uniform, you look to be United States Air Force, a Lt. Colonel if I'm not mistaken. Add that to that pretty ring over there," he nodded at the Stargate with his chin, "I'm guessing Pegasus Galaxy?" He paused for another quick second. "I didn't cross into a parallel world somehow where no-one speaks English, did I?"

"What? No." Sheppard took a deep breath. "Who are you?"

"Captain Jack Harkness at your service." He bowed his head slightly. "Head of Torchwood, although I'd be shocked if you've heard of us."

"Torchwood's on Earth?" John kept his gun on the self-proclaimed captain, but signaled for Teyla and Rodney to come closer.

"Yep, the UK's answer to guarding against the alien menace. We work in conjunction with UNIT quite a bit, and since the IOA has to report to them we know all about the SGC and you lot. Can I get out now?"

Sheppard nodded, and then couldn't help but grin when the Captain stepped out and turned around to face the SUV, standing carefully, with his feet spread apart and arms up, as if waiting to be patted down and checked for weapons.

"Well, I assumed..." he said to Sheppard over his shoulder. "I don't have a lot on me, and no weapons other than the handgun I already mentioned. There's my ID, my wallet, handcuffs, an extra clip for the Webley, a koosh ball, a few condoms, some change, shopping list, my mobile phone, a gold pen and a spare set of cufflinks."

After carefully removing Harkness's gun from its holster and securing it, Sheppard said, "Check him, Ronon." No one was surprised to discover that they had not been lied to, however a few of the items, like the rather large stack of condoms, caused some raised eyebrows between McKay and the Colonel.

"Sheppard," Rodney stepped forward. "You don't actual believe him, do you? People don't just fall out of the sky!"

"We saw this SUV do exactly that, McKay. And it's obviously from Earth. Look around, none of this stuff is native to this planet."

"But he sounds American." Rodney accused.

"Hey, I'm standing right here! I sound American because I am American."

"But you work in England?"

"Wales."

"Same difference."

"Not really." He sighed.

Teyla spoke up, neatly interrupting Rodney's next tirade. "Perhaps we should continue this discussion somewhere else?" She pointed to the detritus surrounding them. "Somewhere a little more safe?"

"I'm all for going back to Atlantis." The Captain said, rubbing his hands together. "I've always wanted to see a mythical city." He turned back to the car, stroking it lightly for a moment. "Sorry, old girl. You're staying here."

"You speak to your vehicle?" Teyla asked.

"I got in the habit when I was a pilot. They deserve it. She served me well, but the trip through the rift would have been too much for her circuits. At least she has good company. A Spitfire, now that's a beautiful bird." He saw Sheppard gazing at the fighter, studying it. "Pilot?" He asked, already seeming to know the answer. "Those were before your time. Great maneuverability though, flew like a dream. She was probably in a dog fight with the Messerschmitt over there when they were both sucked through the rift."

"Rift?" Rodney prodded. "What's the rift? And how did you get here? How do you know..."

"Rodney... DHD now. Questions later," Sheppard warned. He turned to the Captain, gesturing towards the Stargate, "if you would come with us?"

"Take me to your leader," the Captain joked. "You know, I always wanted to say that."

The trip through the event horizon was uneventful. Once on the other side Elizabeth introduced herself to their guest but insisted he get a full medical check up before they spoke further so Sheppard's team "offered" to escort him to the infirmary, along with several marines who just "happened" to be heading that way. It was a ploy the Captain saw through immediately and his laughter filled the gate room as he commented "Do all guests get this kind of royal treatment?" He paused in the doorway and looked over his shoulder. He caught Elizabeth's eye, and calmly added, "Why don't you look to see if there was anything hidden deep in your files about Torchwood and UNIT? It might clear some things up for you." Then, seemingly sure that she would follow his advice, he left the room without a second glance.

"He's just like you." McKay whispered to Sheppard as they went on their way. "Only a thousand times more Kirk-like." It was unnerving; if not a little disconcerting to watch as Harkness smiled at everyone they passed in the halls. Well, perhaps smiled was the wrong word. He flirted. Effortlessly. With both women _and_ men. And everyone smiled back.

After introducing the Captain to the CMO, Sheppard, McKay, Ronon and Teyla went off for a quick post-mission check-up. When shaking hands, Harkness immediately noticed the Saltire, the Scottish flag, on Beckett's uniform and switched effortlessly into Gaelic, which rather surprised the doctor.

"Who is this guy?" McKay barely managed to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

"Doctor Beckett appears to like him." Teyla responded.

"Yeah, well, Carson's not known for having the best judgment in the world."

"You only say that because he threatens you with the big needles whenever you two disagree on anything." Sheppard looked over at Ronon. "What do you think, big guy?"

Ronon merely shrugged in response.

John watched as Carson began the exam. "This so-called-captain's bizarre," he commented to McKay while shaking his head slightly. "He's from modern day Earth, driving a fully loaded SUV, but he's wearing an old style RAF uniform- even down to those suspenders and that old handgun we confiscated earlier."

Rodney agreed. "Add to that there's the fact he's an American, but works in England..."

"Wales." Sheppard interrupted.

"What? Wales, what?" Rodney looked confused for a moment.

"He said he works in Wales, not England."

"He did?" He dismissed the correction with a wave of his hand. "Well, whatever."

"Anyway," John continued, "what I really don't get is how this guy was completely and utterly unfazed by randomly crashing onto a planet in another galaxy. I mean, how is that possible? Who behaves like that? Why is everything in the Pegasus Galaxy so damn weird?"

They stopped talking as one of the nurses stepped up to the patient in question, halting the endless Gaelic banter. "I'll need to take the patient's medical history now, Doctor."

"Aye, that's right. Sorry lad, back to business. We'll need you to answer some questions for us."

Suddenly, Harkness was wary. "What kind of questions?"

"Ooh, just some simple ones, to get an accurate picture of your physical and mental health. We need your previous medical history, allergies, illnesses and to make sure that little crash landing didn't leave you with any symptoms of a concussion or head injury."

"Sorry, Doc, no can do. As I'm sure Colonel Sheppard can attest to, times like this call for a simple 'name, rank and serial number' response. Once your leader... what was her name? Dr. Weir? Once she approves my clearance I'll be happy to be a little more forthcoming."

Carson looked over at John, who shrugged. "We can let it go for now, Doc; ask only what you absolutely have to and we'll see about filling in the rest later."

"All right." The nurse looked down at her questionnaire. "Name?"

"Captain Jack Harkness."

"Age?"

He grinned. "Now that would be telling." He waggled a finger, "a lady never asks a gentleman his age."

"What's today's date?"

"Can't tell you that either."

"Captain, I thought you agreed to cooperate?" Dr. Beckett chided.

"I honestly can't tell you today's date, Doctor. Not here anyway. I know when it was when I left work this morning, but the rift I slipped through is a rip in time and space. I have no idea if I traveled in time when I jumped galaxies."

The entire infirmary grew silent. "When do you think it is, lad?"

"I'm hoping very early in the twenty-first century..."

"Aye, December 2005."

If Sheppard hadn't been watching so carefully he would have missed the shadow that crossed the Captain's brow at hearing that tidbit of information. "Oh, that's good, December is good." Harkness agreed, then joked, "Have I missed Christmas?"

"No, ye haven't. It's still a few weeks away."

"Great! Although I suppose mistletoe is hard to come by in this neck of the woods... which is a terrible shame."

Jack seemed so serious that Carson couldn't help but laugh. "Aye, that it is! But back to business, time to get a blood sample."

"Which will prove to you that I'm not a replicator or whatever." He patted his chest before rolling up his sleeve. "One hundred percent human male I'm happy to report."

Less than an hour later they had all gathered in the conference room. It was abuzz with chatter about the newcomer. A few moments passed before Elizabeth was able to gather everyone's attention. "Before we ask our guest to join us we should each make our reports. Carson," Elizabeth suggested, "why don't you start?"

Beckett took a moment, weighing his words carefully. "I've found nothing to disprove anything he's told us. He is human. Probably in his late 30's and in perfect health; which is a little surprising given the way he landed; I would ha' expected some bruising at least. His blood work came back showing a few antibodies I couldn't identify, but if anything that supports his claims since it could easily be explained by exposure to alien pathogens from that rift he mentioned."

"Thank you, Doctor. Rodney, what did you find in the files?"

"Technically the International Oversight Advisory does report to UNIT, which stands for the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce, by the way. Apparently Chapman, the UK representative, is IOA's liaison with them. Other than the fact it exists, I wasn't able to find out anything about Torchwood."

Sheppard laughed. "You struck out?"

"Hey, I only had a half an hour here and..."

"Rodney." Elizabeth glared him into silence. "The question is, do we accept Captain Harkness's story?" When no one spoke up she raised an eyebrow in the Colonel's direction. "John?"

"The fact is that we did see him fall from the sky. There's no disputing that." Sheppard looked around the room. When no one tried to argue with his statement he continued. "The SUV was definitely from Earth. He already knew about Atlantis, and the Stargate program. Torchwood apparently does exist. I say we don't have a lot of choice here. And he could be a valuable resource."

"Do you seriously think he might know something about the Wraith?"

"No, Rodney, I don't. But the man fell out of the sky and it didn't seem to bother him one bit. Don't you want to learn more about him?" Rodney only shrugged in response and looked toward Elizabeth.

Elizabeth smiled. "I think John's right, the potential outweighs the risk here."

"I agree." Ronon said succinctly.

"I, too, wish to learn more about the Captain." Teyla added.

"Carson?" Elizabeth asked.

"He is quite a personable fellow, even knows Gaelic. We should see what he has to say."

"Personable? Knows Gaelic?" Rodney muttered under his breath. "What the hell does that..."

"Rodney, I know you have concerns." Elizabeth interrupted. "But I think you can agree that the benefits outweigh any possible risks in this case. Please let our guest in."

The Captain had been leaning against the wall, amicably chatting with the soldiers guarding him when the door slid open. With the briefest of glances into the room he seemed to have instantly surmised that his fate had been determined, and that the news was good. "So? No brig in my future I trust?"

"No, we are provisionally accepting your credentials, Captain Harkness, but we'd like some more information." Elizabeth explained.

"Wondering about who I work for, I assume?" He paused, smiling at the unspoken affirmation. "That's understandable. Okay, here goes. Buckle your seat belts boys and girls it's going to be a bumpy ride." The Captain closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath before continuing. "Torchwood was created in 1879, to defend the British Empire against the alien threat. UNIT's been doing the same thing, but on a global level since the 1960's. You guys are the new kids on the block. The American government pretty much ignored aliens until that whole mess with... Aphothos? No.. That doesn't sound right... Athophis?"

"Apophis." Rodney interrupted, correcting him automatically.

"Thanks," but the Captain didn't continue speaking, seeming to finally notice the unblinking stares he was receiving from everyone around the table. "Too much, too soon? Sorry."

"It is quite a lot of information to take in at one time, Captain." Elizabeth agreed.

"And it does appear that Colonel Sheppard was right." Teyla spoke up, "that you may be a valuable resource for us in Atlantis."

Harkness gave a wry half-grin over her comment, but it had an element to it that made Sheppard sit up a bit straighter. "Captain, can't help but get the feeling that you're hiding something." His brow furrowed, thinking back on the day for a moment before leaning forward, as things fell into place. "I must admit I'm a little curious. Just when was it when you left work this morning?"

"Ahh," Harkness rubbed a hand along his cheek trying to hide the slight chagrined look on his face. "I was wondering when you'd ask me that."

"What...what do you mean?" Rodney interrupted, glancing from Sheppard to Harkness and back again.

"He said it was a rift in time and space, Rodney. Well, Captain?"

"It was December." The Captain began, carefully.

"But not 2005."

"No."

"Can you tell us when?"

"I'd rather not. It might make things, well, messy." He saw Sheppard was still eying him. "Messier. I slipped back in time a little, just a few years. It's not a big deal."

"Time travel is _not_ a big deal?!?!! Are you kidding me!" Rodney's voice nearly cracked. "Time travel! You don't believe him, do you Sheppard?"

Harkness and Sheppard stared at one another for several moments before Sheppard broke contact and looked at McKay. "Time dilation field, Rodney? We know that kind of technology can exist. You accepted that, why can't you accept this?"

"The lack of proof perhaps?" McKay countered.

The Captain had been digging his hands in his pockets, finally pulling out a handful of coins. "Maybe I can help you there." He dropped them on the table, sorting through them quickly, "1999, 2003, 2005, 1991... Ahh... here you go." He passed Rodney a £1 coin. "2007. Proof enough for you?"

Rodney held the coin so tightly his fingers turned white. "2007. It says 2007. This coin was minted in 2007. It's only 2005, but this coin was minted in 2007. That's two years from now! Do you see this?" He shoved the coin in Sheppard's face. "2007!"

"I see it, McKay, I see it." He also saw Harkness quickly and quietly pocketing several of the other coins, but didn't comment on it. "You're awfully calm about this, Captain. I take it the idea of time travel isn't unusual to you?"

"It's something I've encountered before, yes..." Looking carefully around the room, he realized all eyes were fixed on him, stunned looks plastered on all the faces. "It's not as unusual or as uncommon as you would assume. Time isn't a straight line of fixed points like most people think. I mean, most people travel on a... in... in a straight line," he drew a line in the air with his hands, "from birth to death, one step in front of the other," and mimed point after point on the line, "but it doesn't necessarily have to happen that way. It just usually does. Here. Now. I'm not making much sense, am I?" He shoved his hands into his pockets in frustration. "I have a friend who could explain this all much better," he muttered.

"Actually," Elizabeth interrupted, "my own experiences aside, there was an incident on Earth a few years back when one of the Stargate teams wound up traveling to the 1960's by accident when their trip through the wormhole coincided with a solar flare."

Carson raised his hand slightly. "Aye, that's right. I read the mission report."

"Your own experiences?" Harkness asked, obviously quite interested.

"It's a long story." Elizabeth sighed and leaned back in her chair, as if signaling that the matter was closed for discussion.

"Okay, so you're from Earth. And from the future." Sheppard paused, looking around, as if daring one of the others to disagree with him. "The question becomes, what do we do with you?"

"Going home might be a problem, at least at the moment. Time lines and all that. And from what I've read there are certain," he cleared his throat, "people, and I use that term loosely, that I'm better off avoiding at your Stargate Command. Well, maybe not at the SGC itself, but if I was mentioned in reports then wrong people might find out." He paused, observing a look that passed between Weir and Sheppard. "I don't suppose, would it be possible not to send me back? Or, even let them know about me?" His eyes dropped to the floor, in an endearingly, if atypically shy, manner which, by the way Sheppard loudly cleared his throat, at least one person in the room did not believe in the slightest.

The events with Colonel Caldwell and the Trust were fresh in everyone's minds on Atlantis, and considering the NID and Trust's track record in dealing with people they thought might be useful, it was obvious who it was that the Captain was wishing to avoid, and why. Even Sheppard couldn't let that happen if it could be helped. "I suppose we could manage that." Weir said, after catching Sheppard's nod of consent. "Welcome to Atlantis, Captain. I look forward to working with you."

She stood to shake the Captain's hand. Soon, they were all enthusiastically welcoming him to Atlantis. He shocked Teyla by giving her the traditional Athosian greeting of touching foreheads without any prompting. Sheppard noticed it, and Harkness, aware of how keenly the Colonel was keeping an eye on him, merely shrugged in response. He excused himself from Teyla and walked over to the Colonel, trying to brush off the other man's concerns by commenting, "Any excuse to flirt, right?"

Sheppard didn't look like he believed the Captain in the slightest but took that opportunity to ask "Do you plan on flirting with every person in Atlantis?"

"All the cute ones, yes." Harkness waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"And they're _all_ cute, right?" Sheppard found himself beginning to smile.

"Of course, of course. Have a problem with that?"

"No, but I wanna be there when you hit on McKay!"

Rodney, having overheard his name mentioned, walked up. "Are you talking about me?" He couldn't help but notice the amused looks between them. "What? What'd I miss?" The Captain and Colonel burst out laughing. "Hey! What'd I say? What's so funny?"

* * *

Sheppard laughed at the memory. "Elizabeth had no idea what she was getting herself into when she said you could stay. What we were all getting ourselves into." Then he sighed, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "Teyla's sure taking her time with those berries. Do you think she left us alone on purpose?" Sheppard looked down at Jack's body for a moment. "A chance for goodbyes or something. Except I'm not really that good at goodbyes." He looked at the Captain more carefully. "Wait a sec." 

There was something odd about the body. The ribs didn't jut out at that weird angle anymore. He pushed away from the wall to kneel down beside the other man. Hadn't there been a lot more blood, just a few moments ago? He leaned forward to peek under the bandage when all of a sudden the body, Jack, shuddered. There was a loud gasp and somehow, despite how utterly impossible it could be, the dead man was breathing again.

Jack's eyes flew open and he looked around. Seeing Sheppard kneeling there, staring at him, he sat up slowly. "Sorry. Sorry, I should have said." His brow furrowed as he examined the other man's face. "You're not going to faint, are you?"

"No. Soldiers do not faint." Sheppard scooted backwards, away from the somehow suddenly alive man and pointed at him, accusingly. "You're not dead."

"No." Harkness reached a hand out to steady John, who was swaying slightly. "I can't die."

"But you did. You died. Right here." He waved his hands at the floor of the cave.

"Fine, if you want to argue semantics with me it's not that I can't die, it's just that I don't stay dead." Eying Sheppard carefully, Harkness pulled the medical supplies over. "Are you sure you're all right? Maybe you should have some water or something. Let me find a canteen."

Sheppard forcibly grabbed the other man's arms. "Stop. Wait. You were dead."

"Yes."

"But now you're alive."

"Yes."

Sheppard slowly moved his right hand to Jack's chest and peeled away the bandages and cut shirt. There was no injury there. No sign of a wound at all. "I pulled that spear out of your chest."

"Yes. Thanks for that by the way."

"You're human?"

"Yep, and Doctor Beckett ran all the tests to prove it."

"Not an Ancient or something..."

"Nope, as human as you are."

"But you can't die."

"Well, stay dead anyway." Harkness smiled.

"Whatever!" Sheppard shook his head as his voice grew louder and shriller. "You're alive!" He was almost yelling.

"Umm, sorry?"

"You're alive." Sheppard repeated, but much more quietly.

"Some people might consider that a _good_ thing," Jack said, lightly. "I should have told you, warned you, but it's not the sort of secret I can trust many people with."

"Yeah, I can see how that could be a problem." Sheppard sat back and leaned against the wall again, closing his eyes. "My head's killing me. This isn't some weird hallucination from the head injury, is it? Or have I slipped into a coma and now I'm dreaming all this?"

"Do you want it to be a dream?" Harkness asked, his tone serious, but there was a touch of sadness to it.

"No. God, no."

"Good," Sheppard could hear the smile in Jack's voice. "Because this is real." Jack reached over, taking the other man's hand and squeezing it. "See? Real." John opened one eye, still looking like he didn't quite believe what he was seeing when Teyla walked back in and dropped all the berries she collected on the floor in surprise.

"Captain? What..." Teyla, being Teyla, instantly pulled her weapon.

"Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated." Jack tried to joke. "It's okay, I'm not dead, but I'm not a weird alien thing either. You can put down the gun." He raised his hands, and looked over at Sheppard. "John, tell her she can put down the gun!"

"Err, right. Teyla, we were wrong. He wasn't dead. There was some sort of, umm, poison on the spear. We just thought he was dead, but he's not dead, he's fine." Sheppard winced slightly, the excuse sounded pathetic, even to him.

"But he has no sign of the wound. I saw where the spear tore his chest. It is completely healed now!"

Pushing himself up and off the wall, Sheppard staggered over to Teyla. "Teyla? Please." He put his hand out, motioning for her to put down the gun. With great reluctance she holstered it. Turning back to Jack he said, "I believe you owe her an explanation, Captain. Come to think of it, you owe me one too. You never did say how you managed that not dying trick."

Harkness gave a resigned sigh. "Can I at least wait till McKay and Ronon are back? It's a complicated story, I'd rather only have to go through it once."

Sheppard nodded, but Teyla continued to stare at Jack.

"You are alive." She whispered.

"Yes."

"But you were dead."

Jack put his head in his hands. "Here we go again..."

When Ronon and Rodney returned to the cave a few minutes later probably the last sound they expected to hear was laughter. In fact it was so unexpected that Ronon entered slowly, his weapon drawn.

"So then," Jack was saying over the others' laughter, "I slowly turn around and that's when I see the tusks. Tusks! And there we are, naked... Oh, hey Ronon. McKay. You hide our trail?"

"You're not telling the story about the twin acrobats again are you, because..." Rodney trailed off suddenly as he realized what he was seeing. "Harkness? You're okay! How are you okay?" He glanced over at Teyla, who was getting a small fire going, and at Sheppard, lounging against the wall and leaning slightly against Jack for support.

Ronon said nothing, but kept his weapon trained on the Captain. He cocked an eyebrow, "Sheppard?" he asked.

"It's all right, Ronon. Put it down." Ronon complied, lowering the gun, but made no move to holster it. "Long story short, Jack died but got better. And now he's going to tell us how."

"Oh, okay." Rodney shook his head as he processed what Sheppard said. "Wait, what?!?!"

Sheppard held up his hand. "First things first, the trail?"

Ronon smiled. "They won't find us," his tone implying how certain he was of that.

"Good." Sheppard motioned at the others to sit before poking Harkness. "Floor's all yours, Jack."

"Right." Jack looked briefly at the others, seeing that he had their undivided attention. "I suppose the simplest explanation is that I can't die, or I suppose I should say that I don't stay dead.."

"Can't die, stay dead...wh..wh..what's the difference?" Rodney stuttered.

"Semantics."

"I'm with Rodney. I still say there isn't much of a difference between the two." Sheppard commented.

"Hey, semantics are important. You could appreciate the aroma of your lover's perfume or hate the reek of those camel-things in the village, but without semantics they'd both just stink."

Sheppard laughed. "Okay, got me there." There was a momentary silence. "Jack," he prodded, "you were saying..."

"Well, it's a rather long story. There was this big fight, one of those fate-of-the-world sort of battles." He gestured wildly with his hands. "Suddenly, there I was, last man standing with three of the enemy approaching. Death by extermination. And I was killed. Should have been all she wrote, but this girl, a friend of mine, had touched a device she shouldn't have and absorbed its powers. She used it to bring me back to life, but couldn't control it. She brought me back for good." He sighed, absentmindedly rubbing his cheek with the back of his hand. "Well, I guess it wasn't that long a story after all."

"That's it?" Sheppard asked.

"That's it." Jack shrugged. "Now you know as much as I do."

"A little more explanation would be nice." Rodney grumbled. "What was the device? How did it work? How long did you stay dead? How do you heal? What happens..."

"Rodney!" Sheppard called out, putting a halt to the endless stream of questions.

"Have you died many times Captain Harkness?" Teyla quietly asked, not looking up from the canteen she was carefully heating next to the fire.

The grin on the Captain's face faded. "Yes." It was an atypically succinct answer for such a usually verbose man, but no one questioned him on it.

Sheppard, still leaning slightly against Jack, looked over and regarded the other man carefully for a moment. "That's why you didn't want us to leave your body behind, because you knew you'd be coming back?" He felt, rather than saw, the quick nod and hitch in the other man's breathing. "Someone left you behind." It was a statement, not a question. "Well, we're not going to do that." There was a reassuring certainty and finality to his tone. Then he changed the subject. "Teyla, is that berry tea stuff ready for me yet?"

"Not quite yet, Colonel."

Rodney opened his mouth to speak, but then shut it again quickly. He looked worriedly from Jack to Sheppard and back again, bit his lip, started to say something, but then stopped. Eventually Jack started laughing. "McKay, you're going to explode if you don't come out and ask whatever it is you're wondering about."

"Wait, just wait a second," Sheppard interrupted, halting Rodney before he could begin his interrogation. "Everything Jack says stays here, between us." He looked at the others carefully. "No one on Atlantis needs to know any of this, understood? No one." Ronon, McKay and Teyla all nodded.

McKay looked as if he had hundreds of questions to ask and he tapped a finger against his mouth repeatedly before finally settling on one, "Do you heal faster than normal?"

"Not if it doesn't kill me, no. If you were to shoot me in the leg it'd take just as long for me to heal as it would anyone. Not that I have a burning desire to demonstrate that for you or anything. But if it's a mortal injury I'll heal."

"How long does it take?" Rodney leaned forward, obviously enthralled.

"To heal?" McKay nodded. "It depends on how bad the damage I took was. The shortest amount of time might be a couple of minutes. Once it was three days." Jack looked over to Ronon, who was leaning up against the cave entrance, keeping one eye on the Captain and the other on the path. "Ronon? You have anything you need to say? To ask me?"

The Satedan simply shrugged. "None of my business."

Jack smiled slightly at the terseness of the response, it was typical for Ronon. "Teyla?"

Teyla was straining the heated berry mixture by pouring it from one canteen through a piece of cloth and into another canteen. She did not look up from her work, but instead cocked her head and said, "You are still the same man you were yesterday. The only thing that has changed is that you are now that much more a formidable ally." She put down the empty canteen, and stood up. "Here is that tanatha berry tea I promised you, Colonel. It should help with your dizziness."

Sheppard warily accepted the canteen, shifting so he was sitting up a little straighter. "Thanks, Teyla." His experience with native treatments left a lot to be desired. However, the berry infusion didn't smell that bad, and the dizziness was annoying so he grudgingly took a sip. "Hmmm." His eyebrows raised slightly. "Not bad."

Jack laughed. "High praise, coming from you." Now that Sheppard wasn't leaning on him anymore he got up, groaning slightly. He stretched, fingers brushing against the ceiling of the cave. Probably feeling McKay's eyes on him he commented, "Coming back from the dead isn't as easy as it used to be." Then he laughed at McKay's flustered reaction. "And the headache's not much fun either. I must be getting old."

"Wait a second." Sheppard said, pausing to take a long sip and eyeing Jack carefully over the canteen. "Your trip through the rift, it wasn't as easy as you made it out to be, was it? Back then, all you mentioned was a killer headache and how the airbags didn't deploy. But, I mean, we all saw your SUV fall out of the sky and crash onto the planet but there wasn't a scratch on you. How could we not have realized it earlier?" He gestured at Harkness accusingly with the canteen. "Going through the rift killed you, didn't it?"

Jack didn't blink, just unashamedly answered, "Either the trip or the crash did, yes."

"_That's_ why you were still in the vehicle when we got there, not because you were out cold, or because you were trapped, but because you'd been dead?" McKay's voice got higher and higher until he nearly squeaked.

Jack managed to look slightly contrite. "Sorry."

"No, no, no, that makes sense. I mean, really, the sheer magnitude of..."

"McKay!" Sheppard practically shouted. He pointed to the bandage on his head. "Head wound, remember? What have I said about random scientific babbling when I have a headache?" Rodney started to fluster about before Sheppard held up his hand. "Besides, it's about time for some dinner, right? You hungry?" Offering food to Rodney was always a way to stop him from talking; Rodney never turned down a chance to eat.

The team made quick work of diving into their MREs. Ronon and Jack took turns guarding the cave entrance, although Jack had pointed out, "If they do find us we're kind of screwed anyway, no place to run and only limited firepower." However, since no one seemed to have a snappy comeback, or a solution, so he let the matter drop.

"We'll bed down here for the night," Sheppard ordered, cutting off Jack's complaint with a dismissive, "some cover is better than none, Jack. I'll take the first watch."

Jack snorted in response. "Oh no, you will not. You're injured."

"I'm also in command here, _Captain_. So what I say goes."

"Officially speaking-wise, only McKay here is directly under your command, and I'm not even sure about that, him being a civilian and all. But either way, Ronon, Teyla and myself are merely attached to Atlantis." Jack walked over and bent down to look Sheppard directly in the eye. "You need to learn to pick your battles, Colonel. Do you really think this is one you stand a chance of winning?"

Sheppard look at Jack, then past him to Ronon and Teyla, both of whom stood a bit straighter and squared their shoulders under his gaze. He grinned slightly at what his team would mutiny over. "Okay, okay, okay! Fine! It's not like the three of you sleep much anyway!" He waggled a finger at them. "But, if we're still off world tomorrow I am taking a watch, and don't any of you try to stop me! Hey," he pointed at Jack, "wipe that smile off your face, buster!"

"Yes, Sir!" Jack snapped to attention and saluted, causing Rodney to burst out laughing. Jack held the salute, turned slightly to face the others and winked, which only resulted in Ronon and Teyla laughing as well.

"You're a bad influence, Harkness. You know, before you came along I used to get respect from my team members."

"I get blamed for everything," Harkness grumbled, half-heartedly. He took the spot by the door, leaning slightly up against the cave wall and rocking on the heels of his feet. "Ronon, you want the second watch?"

"You just came back from the dead, Jack. Aren't you even the slightest bit tired?" Sheppard asked as he settled down, lying with his head on his pack.

"Nope," Jack smiled. "I got thoughts of Marta and Martin to keep me awake."

"Marta and Martin?" Rodney started to ask before Ronon put an arm around him, leading him to a spot near the fire.

"The acrobats, remember?" Ronon reminded him. He called over his shoulder to Jack, "Second watch's fine."

"Oh! Right, never mind." A flush crept over McKay's face. "You really are a deviant, Harkness. You know that, right?" He didn't comment on the near-feral grin Harkness gave him in response, instead pointing to Sheppard. "You know, Colonel, sometimes I wonder if you arranged to have him land here just to make yourself look better!"

"If I only had the kind of powers you think I do." Sheppard sighed. "Can we get to sleep now?" He shrugged his jacket over himself like a blanket. "Jack, when you have Ronon spell you, wake me up, okay?"

"Wake you? Why?"

"Concussion check," Rodney explained, "Carson's always lecturing us about that. Don't you know the standard procedure for head wounds?" He managed to sound both dumbfounded and belittling at the same time. "You have to wake the person every couple of hours." Then he rolled over and went to sleep, missing Jack's slight head shake.

"Okay, four hours good?" Jack asked Sheppard.

"Looking forward to it already." Sheppard sleepily replied.

"Are you sure you do not wish me to take a watch?" Teyla added a few more sticks to the fire before settling down herself.

"Nah," Ronon said, looking at Jack. "Harkness and I can handle it." He laid his gun out where he could easily grab it and leaned back against the wall, falling asleep almost instantly.

"Go to sleep, Teyla" Harkness whispered, his voice barely carrying over Rodney's snores. "It'll be fine."

Daylight was barely making its way into the cave the next morning when Ronon shook the Colonel awake. "Time for another concussion check, Sheppard." Sheppard awoke instantly, first looking over at his sleeping teammates. He jumped to his feet as soon as he realized Jack wasn't in the cave. "It's okay," Ronon put a steadying hand on Sheppard's shoulder. "Harkness went out on reconnaissance a few hours ago. He's checked in a few times."

"But he had first watch," Sheppard vaguely remembered Jack waking him for a concussion check during the night. "And he sat next to me when I couldn't fall back asleep." The Captain had started telling him a story, something about a waitress, a nun and a... Sheppard blushed remembering it.

"Harkness has quite a few interesting stories to share, doesn't he?" Ronon commented dryly and pretended not to notice the other man's discomfort. "He lay down for a bit and then said he had a plan and took off down the path." He shrugged. "Seemed to know what he was doing."

"Great. Just great." Sheppard tiredly rubbed his hand over his face. "First a team member dies and then he comes back to life and then he disappears. This mission could be going better."

Ronon clapped Sheppard on the shoulder one last time before moving over to the dying fire. Using his boot to push dirt over it, he put it out completely. "Don't forget we also failed to set up trade relations."

"Thanks, that's really helpful." Sheppard picked up a small pebble and lobbed it gently at Rodney's back. "McKay! Time to wake up!" The huddled lump mumbled and twitched in response.

"There are many more pleasant ways in which to awaken Doctor McKay, Colonel." Teyla pointed out, as she stretched and stood up.

"Yeah," Sheppard agreed, tossing another small rock when Rodney didn't get up, "but this is the most fun."

A strange noise, a cross between a huff and a whinny came from outside the cave. "All aboard who's coming aboard!" Jack called out from the path.

"Jack! What the hell?" Sheppard strode over to the entrance. "You do_not_ abandon a team while off world. Just what did you think..." But then he saw what Jack had with him. "What are you doing with two of those camel things? Why do you have them? How did you," he took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Explain. Now." His tone of voice left no room for discussion.

The perpetual smile left Jack's face. "Oh. Right. I, well, I guess when I left I wasn't thinking about that. I mean I didn't, I'm sorry."

Sheppard just stared at him for a moment. The others joined him in the entrance and together they looked at the Captain, and the camel creatures that were gently nuzzling his hand, in a stunned silence before Rodney spoke up, his voice still husky from sleep. "So, umm, camelish things? Why? I mean, other than being smelly and ugly they don't seem to be of much use. What the heck possessed you to go out and hunt down a camel creature thing. Let alone two of them. What for? And how?"

"Well, I got to thinking last night," Harkness began, stroking the necks of one the creatures, "I noticed in the village that the only camels creatures they had were male. Pashahads, I should say. They're called pashahads. So, anyway, they use the creature for everything- as a pack animal, for transportation, for food, they even use its pelt for clothing. So, I them asked about it. If it was so important to them, why didn't they have any females? If they were breeding them they should have some of both sexes, right?" He looked up at their blank faces. "None of you wondered? Seriously?"

"We were a little busy running for our lives, Harkness." Rodney complained.

"Well, before that then. We were in the village for over an hour before the Colonel's ill fated comment."

"Jack." Sheppard raised his hand. "Take a deep breath and tell us your plan. Start from the beginning."

"Right, well, I found out from Marcob, you remember him? The handsome young man who wore that fetching green cloak? It really brought out the color of his eyes." He ignored the noise Rodney made in response. "Anyway, I was chatting with him and I asked why all the pashahads in the village were male. At least some should be female, it's just common sense, right? Well, it turns out they don't actually breed the animals; not for lack of desire, but because they've never actually managed to successfully get their hands on a female of the species. Marcob claimed it was because the females were too hard to capture, let alone domesticate. Which is silly, really. All these lovely ladies wanted was someone to treat them the right way." Sheppard couldn't help but notice that the pashahad Jack was petting was practically purring, or snuffling, or making some sort of contented noise at least. "I know Atlantis is always on the look out for trading partners, desperate for them in fact, so I thought, maybe we could smooth things over with these people." Harkness drifted off, unsure of how to interpret the silence of the others. "I don't really sleep, but Ronon insisted on taking a watch so I figured, why not take advantage of that time and try to convince one of these fantastic creatures into helping us out? Err... So, how's the head, Sheppard? Any dizziness? Headache?"

Sheppard gingerly touched the bandage on his forehead. "I'm fine. Or, I was fine until I tried to follow your explanation anyway." He tentatively reached a hand out to let the pashahads sniff him. He kept his tone light when he finally spoke again, "Jack, what if you'd been caught or killed? Or, well, okay, not killed, but hurt? We didn't know where you'd gone or what you were doing." The creature on the right seemed to accept him and butted his palm over and over with its snout, as if asking for a pet. When Sheppard started to stroke it lightly it calmed down some. "You're a member of my team, my responsibility, and what we learned yesterday isn't going to change that, nothing will."

Rodney started to follow Sheppard's lead and leaned forward to pet one of the creatures, but it snapped at him and he jumped back. He would have fallen over had Ronon not reached out to steady him. Teyla had to hide her laughter behind her hand..

"Not a word, Colonel." Rodney warned, gesturing wildly at Sheppard. "Not a word!"

Jack buried his fingers in the soft pelt. "You're right, John." He rested his forehead against the beast for a moment, inhaling its musky sent. "Sorry, I... just sorry."

"Eh," Sheppard said dismissively, "that's okay, it was a great idea. Now we can make nice with the villagers and maybe walk away with a decent trade agreement which will thrill Elizabeth to no end, and maybe get her off my back for that incident with the," he cleared his throat loudly, "right, well, that was before your time. Never mind." He looked over at the other members of his team. "What do you guys think. Will Jack's plan work?"

Ronon just shrugged. Negotiations were not remotely his forte. "It'd be easier to get back to the Stargate if they aren't throwing things at us."

"That is very true, Ronon." Teyla said. "It is quite possible that the village chieftain might be willing to accept these pashahads to make amends for the earlier perceived insult against his daughter." She politely refrained from looking at Sheppard as she mentioned the reason behind the mad dash through the woods.

"The chieftain's wife seemed to like me." Jack commented, ignoring Rodney's snort. "Maybe I should be the one to do the negotiations? I know normally the Colonel should be the one to take the reins on something like this, but all things considered, well..."

"It's not a bad idea if you do it, especially since these pasha...uhh, camel things seem quite taken with you." Sheppard interrupted. He slung his pack over his shoulder. "All right team, grab your gear, we're heading out!"

They watched as Jack murmured gently to the two creatures, "Come on Sweet Pea, turn around Honey Bun, we gotta get you two lovely ladies to your new home." By talking softly to them and stroking them lightly along their necks and flanks he got them to turn around and make their way back down the path. Despite what the villagers claimed about the female pashahads they seemed to have no qualms about listening to Jack and followed him willingly.

"Like I said before," Rodney whispered to Sheppard as they walked a few feet behind the Captain, "he is just like you, but a thousand times more Kirk-like than you'll ever hope to be!"

"I am not Kirk-like!" Sheppard hissed back, carefully making his way through the brush and bramble.

"Oh, come on Colonel," Rodney shot back, "what about Chaya and that whole 'sharing' thing. And then there was..." however he broke off before expounding further when he saw Harkness give a quick handsignal up ahead. "Oh great, what now?" he muttered.

Sheppard slipped up the path to where Harkness had halted the animals. "Jack?" Taking a quick look around he didn't see anything that should have caused the other man to stop.

"Up ahead, see that branch?" Jack pointed to a sickly tree further down the path. One branch was hanging from it at an odd angle. "It wasn't broken like that when I passed by it on my way back to the cave."

"Good eye. See anything else?"

He looked around carefully. "No, but the hairs on the back of my neck are telling me something's up."

Sheppard grunted in reply. When a soldier's gut told him something was wrong, more often than not it turned out to be correct. Only an idiot didn't take that sort of warning seriously. He turned around and gestured for Ronon to join them.

Silently Ronon moved up until he was just behind the waiting pashahads. Using hand signals Sheppard ordered Ronon to scout up ahead on the left side of the trail while he would go up on the right. Motioning to Teyla, she took up guarding their flank while Rodney got in position next to Jack and the animals.

Jack reached out to stroke them and keep them calm. "Shh, it's okay Sweet Pea. Just relax Honey Bun. Uncle Sheppard is just making sure everything's safe before we walk some more." He gave them each a scratch on their snouts. "You two lovely ladies are being so good about this."

"Sweet Pea? Honey Bun?" Rodney shook his head. "You are completely insane, Harkness."

"Everyone likes to be appreciated, McKay, especially women." Harkness replied, continuing to stroke the animals. "You should try it sometime. You attract more flies with honey, or so the saying goes." He drew his gun at the sound of a leaf crunching up ahead, but relaxed when Ronon came out of the brush. Ronon gave them a simple head shake before turning to keep an eye out for Sheppard.

A few moments later Sheppard emerged from the trail with a similar shake of the head. "Damn, I must be losing my touch." Harkness muttered.

"No," Ronon replied. "Someone came through this way. Five or six people actually, they're just not here any more."

"Can you tell which direction?" Harkness asked, trusting Ronon's interpretation of the trail.

Ronon pointed in the direction they were walking. "Looks like they were heading to the village."

"Great," Sheppard sighed, running his hand through his hair. "Maybe we should rethink this."

"We can not be certain that it is something to worry about, Colonel." Teyla said. "Perhaps it was just a search party returning. Now that we are bearing gifts we are quite likely to be welcomed into the village, whether or not there are other strangers there."

"Right, because positive thinking has gotten us so far in the past." Rodney muttered.

"Now, now," Sheppard waved his hand dismissively, "there's a first time for everything. Besides, we never had Jack with us before. He could flirt his way out of a gunny sack!"

"Why Colonel Sheppard, you promised you would keep that little incident just between the two of us." Jack batted his eyelashes at Sheppard suggestively. "Unless you were asking for a repeat performance?"

McKay turned bright red. "Look, if you two don't mind can we cut out the sexual innuendos and focus on being able to gain access to the village Stargate? I'd like to go home sometime today if possible, be able to take a shower and maybe get some real food. Some of us have, hey!" He yelped suddenly as one of the pashahads craned its long neck around and snuffed noisily in Rodney's face. "Leave me alone!" It regarded him for a second before licking his forehead. "I am not food! Cut that out Honey Pie, err, Sweetie Bun ummm." The animal ignored Rodney's failing arms and continued to lick his head. "Captain, help! Get your evil creature thing off me!"

Sheppard just laughed at his friend's predicament. "You always did have a way with the ladies, Rodney."

"Come here, Honey Bun." Jack crooned, scratching the pashahad under its chin. "Time to leave Uncle Rodney alone now. Besides, anyone that crabby probably doesn't taste very good."

"Crabby? I am not crabby! I just don't want to be camel food. How does that make me crabby?"

"Rodney!" Sheppard warned, his patience getting thin.

"Relax, McKay!" Jack took the camel's head in his hands and crooned, "You're just demonstrating your affection, aren't you? That's my little sweetheart."

"She is not a sweetheart! She snapped at me earlier. Besides, I still say she's trying to eat me."

"No, it was Sweetie Pie who snapped before, Honey Bun's the one that likes you."

"Whatever! Now can we please go make nice with the villagers and get off this godforsaken planet?"

"This planet's not so bad." Ronon commented. "It's not raining."

"Or snowing." Teyla added.

"Scenery's nice." Harkness drawled, gesturing at the flowers and trees. "And the wildlife's friendly." He petted Honey Bun and Sweet Pea as he spoke.

"Right, so other than being chased by crazed villagers who tried to kill us this is the perfect vacation spot. Wait, they did kill us. Well, one of us. Luckily it was the one of us that doesn't stay dead." Rodney shook his head, confused. "Can we go now?"

Ronon went out ahead on point, followed by Rodney, then Sheppard, Jack and the pashahads with Teyla taking up the rear. Other than when Sweet Pea tried to nibble Sheppard's sleeve and accidentally nipped him, the trip down the path towards the village was uneventful.

They stopped just out of sight of the village. "So what's the plan?" Ronon asked, hunkering down behind a bush and keeping an eye on the path.

Sheppard, Rodney and Teyla joined him there. "Jack's going to take the lovely ladies down to the village and try to make nice with the chieftain. Hopefully he can get us access to the Stargate and maybe even set up trade relations." He looked over at Jack, eying him carefully before continuing, "no more flirting than necessary now, you hear me?"

"Than necessary, right? No flirting more _than necessary_." He grinned as he stressed those two words. "Aye, aye Colonel!" He somehow managed not to burst out laughing when Sheppard closed his eyes and put his head in his hands in response.

"I should have worded that better," Sheppard muttered.

Jack led Honey Bun and Sweetie Pie toward the village. "I'll be back!" He called over his shoulder. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

"Is there anything he wouldn't do?" Rodney whispered as they watched Jack disappear down the path.

"Probably not much." Ronon replied, a big grin on his face.

"I really don't want to think about it! That man is not normal. I mean, beyond that whole not dying thing, which certainly isn't normal. Coming back from the dead is in no way normal. Oh, you know what I mean. Quit looking at me!" Rodney threw himself down on the ground and leaned up against a tree. He pointed at Sheppard, "Not a word, Colonel! Not a word." And then he closed his eyes, probably trying to get in a quick cat nap.

"Colonel, how is your head?" Teyla touched him gently on the arm to get his attention when he didn't acknowledge her right away. "May I check the bandage?"

"What?" He pulled his gaze from the path "Yeah, sure. Got nothing else to do but wait." Sheppard sat down so Teyla could get a better look at the wound on his head. However, he kept glancing in the direction Harkness disappeared.

"You worried?" Ronon finally asked.

Sheppard rubbed a hand over his face. "I don't like sending my people in without backup. I mean, I know it's Jack, and everything he can do, but still. I should be there with him."

Teyla halted her ministrations to look Sheppard in the eye. "Despite how Captain Harkness acts he will take this task very seriously. And he is quite the warrior, adept in many different fighting techniques. I am sure he will be fine."

"And there's that can't die thing of his, that's gotta help." Rodney added, without even opening his eyes. "Or is it that he doesn't stay dead? Did we ever decide what the proper semantics of his talent wound up being?"

"Yeah, I know," Sheppard craned his neck to look down the path again. "It's just..."

"He will be fine, Colonel." Teyla reassured him as she rebandaged his wound.

Ronon stood up. "Why don't I sneak up to the tree line that's just outside the village perimeter? I can keep an eye on things, be nearby to lend a hand if he needs help.."

Sheppard smiled, relaxing slightly. "Great idea Ronon, thanks. That'll be perfect." He looked over at Rodney, who by all appearances was back asleep, and then to Teyla. "I guess now we wait." He let his grip on his P-90 loosen slightly so it rested in his lap. "We wait and let Jack do his thing."

Five hours later...

"Incoming wormhole!" Elizabeth heard the announcement as she stepped into the control room. "It's Colonel Sheppard's IDC, Ma'am."

"Lower the shield." She ordered and walked down to greet the incoming team.

Ronon came through the wormhole first, carrying a very large and intricately carved staff. Teyla was next, wearing a wreath of woven flowers on her head. Rodney and Sheppard were lugging an overloaded basket of fruit between them, Sheppard laughing while Rodney complained about its weight. Jack came last; he was sporting a bright green cloak and looked quite pleased with himself.

"Hey there, Elizabeth." Sheppard said when noticed her standing there. He passed the basket off to the marines that came forward to collect it. "What a beautiful planet. We had a great time, and made some new friends, and I think you're going to be really happy with the trade partnership I set up." Jack cleared his throat loudly. "We set up," Sheppard continued, quickly "The team. We, okay?" He looked back as Jack laughed. " Unfortunately, we got off to a bit of a shaky start with the locals, but things worked out in the end."

"Excellent," she replied, "so your new team arrangement worked out alright?"

"Oh yeah," Sheppard said as they were leaving the room, "couldn't have been better. We'll tell you all about it during our report after the post mission check-up."

"All?" Jack asked, once the team were on their own in the hall.

"Well, as much as she needs to know." Sheppard clapped the other man on the shoulder, "you worry too much, Jack! Besides, you never _did_ tell us just how you managed to get that cloak!"

Jack gave devilish grin and waggled his eyebrows, "Well, if you must know..."

"No!" Rodney threw up his hands. "I don't want to hear this!" He ran ahead, fleeing into the safety of the infirmary, the laughter of his team echoing behind him.


End file.
